Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
