Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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