I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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