last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
