what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize