So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
