i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
you inspire me to be a worse person
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You may now shotgun with the bride
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The uberlube is also flammable
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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