If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
