I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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