Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
