Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
