So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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