Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You need a sexual gate keeper
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
