sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My life is pants optional.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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