I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I am mentally ready for anal.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
