So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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