Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
