you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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