Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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