By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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