found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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