i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You dont lie about slip and slides
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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