He had one of those small greek statue penises
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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