Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
