every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
