I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
