there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
