Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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