Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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