Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
