I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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