i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
