M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
