Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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