Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
