I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
