Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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