I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
