I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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