pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
