But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
sarcasm needs its own font
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
