You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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