Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
