when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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