Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
