Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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