Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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