I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
