Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
