Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
