Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
